How to Prepare a Microwavable Burrito Like Me

It has been said that there’s no wrong way to microwave a burrito.

Whoever said that is soooo dumb. (it was Tendy and I still love him)

Hi! My name is Mac. Microwavable burritos are an amazing thing and are due a tremendous amount of respect and adoration for their ability to carry the essence of an existence, and their preparation is not meant to be approached with arrogance. Hear me, Traveler, and hear me well. A Desert Skies Brand Microwavable Burrito is not simply another gas station treat, it is an expeeeerience and one that you never had on the Physical Plane (Not like this, anyhow).

So, LISTEN UP! Sorry, didn’t mean to yell. I just get so dang excited when I think about microwavable burritos. Okay. Ready? Deep breath. It’s burrito time!

Step 1: Start With the Microwave

No offense to The Superiors or whoever writes the instructions for the burritos, but when it comes to a frozen burrito, there’s more than one way to skin a cat (please don’t skin cats. they’re magic and rare. Never seen one actually. Still). So while the microwave plays an important part in the preparation process, it doesn’t have to be the only part of the process. I’ll explain more in the following steps.

So what is the microwave used for then? For takin’ the edge off! The frozen edge, that is. So, first step is open up one side of the burrito bag, put the burrito in the microwave, and cook it for one whole minute. Now, how this microwave knows what a minute is, well, that’s beyond me. I don’t understand time on the Astral Plane, not sure it even exists. The microwave knows though. I wonder what else the microwave knows…

Step 2: Go Down to the Basement

I know it sounds creepy and all, but I promise it’s not. My basement is actually a really cool spot with lots of neat features and a super chill vibe. You know what? The more I talk about it the more I sound like a serial killer.

Why am I telling you to go down to the basement? Because that’s where I keep the hotplate! Why a hotplate you ask? Well…

Step 3: We’re Gonna Fry This Baby!

You heard me right! It’s fry time!

Get the skillet hot. Like, not too hot, but hot-ish. Then, add some kinda grease (or “oil” if you’re one of them hoity toity types. No insult intended. You do you, Jeeves). For my grease, I usually just collect the fat that collects under the hotdog rollers. Don’t judge. There’s plenty to share.

Anyhow, put some of that hotdog grease right there in the pan. Let it warm up enough that the basement starts to smell like the inside of a gas station, then plop that burrito right on top. Then, just listen to it. Listening isn’t just important when you’re havin’ a conversation with a coyote, it’s also important when your burrito is talkin’. Sizzle, sizzle, it says. I’m gettin’ crispy.

After it’s sizzled a bit and you feel confident in your guthole that it’s nice and brown (Don’t let it burn! Be careful, check it every once in a while. Unless you’re one of those folks that likes to incinerate marshmallows, there’s no help for you). Then, flip it over. Sizzle, sizzle, I’m almost done it says.

Then, when it’s nice and brown, and your heart says that it’s warmed thoroughly, put it on your plate, top it with some hotsauce from the little packets we have in the condiment section, unless it’s a dessert burrito, of course.

Step 4: Enjoy

It’s time to eat. Be sure to really savor the essences and its mouthfeel. And speakin’ of feel, feel free to hang out at Desert Skies as long as you like. We enjoy the company, and there’s really no rush. Make sure to get a disposable bib if you’re a messy traveler. Tendy keeps ’em behind the counter.

Take care, now!

Mac

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