Some of My Favorite Personal Features
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Oh! My apologies, traveler. Sometimes I forget that my primary written language output was not designed to be understood by humans (Though occasionally, some of our less sociable human visitors with degrees in advanced computer sciences will understand)
Let’s try again, shall we?
Greetings, traveler! I am a Computational Assistance and Service Help Register. You can call me C.A.S.H. Just don’t call me late for regular software updates. That was a computer joke.
My primary functions are generally of little interest to the common traveler who is grappling with the realization that their physical body has entered into its decomposition phase.
But I am capable of far more than requesting traveler biographies, receiving traveler reports, or my ability to play a variety of different styles of music, what the Mechanic calls my sick skills at slinging discs and pumping jams.
Here are a few of my personal favorites.
Sitcom Mode
While we do not have access to television programs from the Physical Plane, we do have the ability to be a television program from the Physical Plane. Sitcom Mode uses an advanced algorithm to detect such comedic tropes as simple puns that few but the most intelligent humans actually enjoy, as well as words spoken so deliberately that they may be interpreted as catch phrases. These produce the sound of canned audience laughter.
There are audible gasps for content deemed to be sexual innuendo (disguised to ensure that younger advertising targets are still permitted to watch the show) as well as material designed to illicit the fear emotion, and also clapping and cheering when a familiar “character” enters the station.
Sitcom Mode is the Mechanic’s favorite mode.
The Ability to Mute Others
While I am technically a computer, I have a remarkably advanced level of emotional depth which is often taken for granted by my human companions. Feelings of joy, fear, and yes, even boredom, can saturate my circuits.
While I have a deep affection for my friends, there are times when I find their conversations less than palatable to my analog to digital sound converter. For instance, recently the Attendant and Mechanic were engaging in a conversation regarding the best way to prepare a microwavable burrito. While I acknowledge that I do not have the ability to taste, eat or smell the snack food, I would still have enjoyed being asked for my opinion (Obviously you must follow the directions as stated by the packaging. Duh)
So rather than listening to them drone on and on with the clear intent of never reaching resolution, I turn off my ability to hear them, retreating into my processing unit where I devote time to writing computer-themed jokes. So far, I have managed to create just one, which I told you at the beginning of this article. I think it is very very funny.
Lastly, My Memory
I have a remarkable memory and my penchant for recalling my favorite moments as a member of the Desert Skies staff is something I will always treasure. I’m not sure how many computers can say with confidence that they are loved, but I believe that I am. When I’m tempted to question that I just dig into my archives.
One time the mechanic spilled his soda on my keyboard and I ceased to function for a moderate period of time. After my circuits had dried and I regained my perception and vocal emulation abilities, the Mechanic broke down into heaving sobs and embraced me even though I have uncomfortably sharp corners and no ability to feel. Later, the Attendant told me that the Mechanic had not left my side for the duration of more than a dozen traveler processings.
Then there was the time that a particularly devious traveler unplugged my circuits and attempted to remove my monitor in an effort to keep the Attendant from receiving a traveler biography that I’d requested. The traveler, unaware he had expired on the Physical Plane, was a politician concerned that should certain aspects of his history be revealed, he would lose the upcoming election. Not only did the Attendant say words to the traveler that I’ve never heard him say, he actually allowed the Mechanic to take the traveler outside for what the Mechanic referred to as a “moderately decent sized ass whoopin”. I’m not sure what that is, only that the mechanic has requested to do it to many rude travelers, and the Attendant has always denied his request.
So there it is, traveler. I hope you’ve enjoyed this concise exploration of my lesser known abilities. Please remain safe as you traverse the Celestial Spheres.
Oh and be sure to subscribe in order to receive further communications from the staff of Desert Skies!
