[As always, a big thank you to Cio for providing a detailed and accurate transcript]
Jared Carter: For the best listening experience, headphones are recommended.
[Click, static, and high pitched hum of a CRT television turning on]
Male voice: And now, a message from our sponsor.
[Upbeat music plays in background]
Boy: I’m so bored!
Girl: Me too…
Mom: Billy! Margaret! What’s wrong?
Girl: We’re tired of playing with our Mac and Tendy dolls!
Boy: Seriously Mom. Tendy just keeps saying the same things over and over.
[String being pulled on toy]
Tendy: Seriously Mac? [string pull] Seriously Mac? [string pull] Seriously Mac?
[Intense, exciting music plays]
Male Advertiser: Hey kids! Can’t get enough of Desert Skies?
Boy and Girl, overlapping: Yeah!
Mom: How did you get in our house?
Male Advertiser: Well kids, lemme tell you about Club 86!
Girl: What’s Club 86?
Male Advertiser: [scoff] I’m… I’m- I’m gonna tell ya! Just be patient.
Girl: Okay!
Male Advertiser: Club 86 is the only way to get exclusive access to all kinds of Desert Skies extras!
Boy: Like what?
Male Advertiser: Seriously kid, I’m gonna tell you!
Boy: Sorry.
Male Advertiser: That’s okay! When you join Club 86 you’ll receive amazing perks! Like access to exclusive merch! Totally ad-free episodes! VIP creator access! Bonus episodes! And you’ll be the first to hear the Club 86 exclusive 6-part season, Desert Skies: [deep reverb behind voice] Game Night!
Girl: I wanna join Club 86!
Boy: Me too!
Male Advertiser: Awesome! Just grab your mom’s credit card when she’s not looking.
Mom: Hey!
Male Advertiser: And go to Patreon.com/DesertSkies. Or, by clicking the link in the episode notes below!
Girl: Patreon.com/DesertSkies?
Male Advertiser: Yeah!
Boy: Patreon.com/DesertSkies?
Male Advertiser: Uh huh!
Mom: Patreon.com/DesertSkies?
Male Advertiser: Did I stutter guys? Seriously! And now back to your regular programming.
[Deep fading hum of CRT television turning off]
[Sitcom style music sting. Squeaky door opens and closes, door bells rattle.]
C.A.S.H.: Desert Skies is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Mechanic: C.A.S.H.-yyy, I’m home!
[Clapping and cheering through tinny speakers, footsteps. Jazz plays softly in the background.]
C.A.S.H.: Hello, Mechanic. How was work today?
Mechanic: I guess you could say… it was a gas.
[Laughter through tinny speakers]
C.A.S.H.: Did you get a chance to look at the coffee machine like I asked you about?
Mechanic: I meant to, but we haven’t had a break between travelers. I’ll get to it when I can get to it.
C.A.S.H.: Better latte than never, I guess.
[Tinny laughter. Squeaky door opens and closes, door bells rattle]
Tendy: Hey guys.
[Tinny clapping and cheering]
Attendant: Again, Mac?
[Tinny laughter]
Mechanic: What? It gets boring when traveler flow slows down. Besides, C.A.S.H. don’t mind. Do you, C.A.S.H.?
C.A.S.H.: Well, I do find it a little entertaining.
Attendant: Regardless, we’ve got work to do before the next traveler arrives. C.A.S.H., please, turn off sitcom mode.
C.A.S.H.: Very well Attend-
Mechanic: Don’t you dare, C.A.S.H.! C’mon, Tendy. No harm in leaving it on while we work.
Attendant: What if it’s playing when a traveler walks in? C.A.S.H., turn it off.
C.A.S.H.: As you request Attend-
Mechanic: C.A.S.H., you turn it off and I will scream like a little girl! [tinny laughter] Tendy, listen, we spend all of our time working and I don’t wanna think about-
[Thunder crash]
GAH!!
Attendant: Thunder? But we don’t have thunderstorms in this Sphere.
C.A.S.H.: It’s unusual to be sure, but not entirely unheard of.
[Low thunder rumbles settle into heavy rainfall and wind]
Attendant: So, it’s happened before? That must have been before our time, Mac. Mac? Mac, you’re- you’re shaking!
Mechanic: I- I was there, Tendy. The last time it stormed. I… I need to sit down.
Attendant: C.A.S.H., what’s going on? What’s wrong with Mac?
C.A.S.H.: Well, Attendant, you see, the last time it stormed in the Desert Sphere was-
[Squeaky door opens and closes, door bells rattle]
Corson: What is up, bitches? God, this place smells like hot dogs and bad vibes.
[Eerie music begins playing]
Who do we have here, eh? Ah, the new guy. Well, not really new I guess but I haven’t been here for a while. Be a dear and take my bag. Careful with it. C.A.S.H., baby, looking good! Is that a new keyboard?
[footsteps]
And who do we have over here shaking like he just downed a bucket of cocaine-infused cappuccino? Why, it’s my old friend… the Mechanic.
Attendant: Hey, back up there fella. Who the hell are you?
Corson: God, how rude of me. Allow me to introduce myself. The name’s Corson, mover of the ever stormy 8th Sphere and all around malevolent being.
Attendant: You’re a… Sphere Mover? Were you the light we saw around the base of the mountain? I thought the coyotes chased you outta here.
Corson: Oh, you saw that! No, that was just some imp I used to distract your coyote friends while I snuck around the long way.
Attendant: What are you doing here?
Corson: Straight to the point aren’t we, Mr. Ferryman of the Underworld? Well, no need to be afraid, see, I’m just here to pick up something and then I will vacate this nasty little Sphere, on the double.
Attendant: What could a Sphere Mover possibly need from Desert Skies?
Corson: Need? Who said anything about need? No, I’m here for something that belongs to me.
Attendant: And… that is?
Corson: Why, your Mechanic.
[Thunderclap, tinny crowd gasping]
Attendant: C.A.S.H., please turn off sitcom mode!
C.A.S.H.: My bad.
[Theme song]
[Soft jazz, muffled storm]
Attendant: Mac, can I talk to you outside?
Corson: Don’t be long my little friends. There’s a Sphere that needs moving. My absence has surely not gone unnoticed by the Superiors.
[Squeaky door opens and closes, door bells rattle. Jazz ends. Rain, wind and low thunder sounds clearer.]
Attendant: Mac, what in the hell is going on?
Mechanic: It was a board game. It wasn’t my fault Tendy, I promise. He tricked me, kinda.
Attendant: You lost a board game to him.
Mechanic: No, I lost four board games to him.
Attendant: I don’t understand. How does that end with you having to go back with him?
Mechanic: It’s a bit of a long story.
Attendant: Well, let’s hear it.
Mechanic: See, he showed up right after I got here. I’d been the Mechanic for… I dunno, not very long. He pulls me aside and says he has a proposition for me. Beat him at a board game, and he’ll give me the board game.
Attendant: What was the game?
Mechanic: Monopoly. Well, sort of. See, he doesn’t call it Monopoly. He calls it Corsonopoly. I asked him how he got it. He says he made it. Tells me that every time a traveler comes through his Sphere, he’ll stop ‘em, and ask ‘em if they had a favorite board game on the Physical Plane. If they say yes, he asks them to explain the game to him in detail. Then he makes it himself.
Attendant: That is not how I would expect a malevolent being to spend their time.
Mechanic: I thought the same thing. Anyways, I start thinking I would like to have that Corsonopoly game. So, I agreed to play. Well, turns out I’m a natural at Corsonopoly, and I wipe the floor with him. But he doesn’t wanna let go of that game. So he ups the ante. Play a different game with him, and this time if I win I get to take both games. So I figured, why not? Maybe I’m great at every other game.
Attendant: And what happened?
Mechanic: Turns out I’m terrible at every other game. Go figure. You can’t be blessed with this body and then expect everything else to just fall in your lap.
Attendant: Sure, that makes sense.
Mechanic: So he beats me at Battle Sphere, Game of Afterlife, Apologies. I tell him I don’t want to play anymore. He doesn’t like that. So he says, how about a real wager? He says we can play Corsonopoly again, and if he wins, I have to go back to his Sphere with him forever. But if I win, I can have what I desire most. C.A.S.H. and the old Attendant begged me to stop playing, but I couldn’t turn that down. He was offering me what I wanted more than anything.
Attendant: Which was?
Mechanic: My name, Tendy. He said he could tell me who I am. Tell me about on my life on the Physical Plane.
Tendy: How is that possible?
Mechanic: I don’t know. Maybe it was a lie. But, he’s a Sphere Mover. If anybody has access to that kind of information, it’s him.
Tendy: I can definitely see how that would be tempting.
Mechanic: But I wasn’t as good at Corsonopoly as he’d made me believe. I must have landed on Go Straight to Hell a hundred times. He had hotels on the 31st Sphere, and the 33rd Sphere… he owned every rest area! I was licked.
Attendant: But you didn’t go with him.
Mechanic: I would’ve Tendy, I’m a man of my word. But that’s when HueHue showed up with the rest of his crew. I don’t know how they knew to get here when they did, but thank the Prime Mover they showed up, because those coyotes dragged Corson out of the Sphere faster than you could say “Marlboro Man.”
Attendant: And now he’s back to collect his prize, huh? Well, we’ll see about that.
Mechanic: Tendy, where you goin’?
[Squeaky door opens and closes, door bells rattle. Storm sounds muffled, soft jazz plays in background.]
Corson: Hey babies, you’re back. Then I and my new ward will be on our way. But first, can I get some of these burritos to go? Oh, the essences are so satiating! I’m particularly fond of this David’s Devil’s Foodcake flavor. I’ll take a dozen please.
Attendant: Now, listen here jerk! You can’t just barge into my gas station, eat my burritos, and steal my Mechanic! Here! [cloth rustling] Take your bag, and go back to where you came from.
C.A.S.H.: Attendant, I don’t recommend making him-
Corson: You called me a jerk. I’ve been nothing but congenial. Let me ask you something boy, have you ever met a Sphere Mover?
Attendant: Well, n- no, but that doesn’t mean…
Corson: But you know what we are? What we can do? What we’re capable of? So, forgive me if I’m a little confused. I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that, though you know Sphere Movers are the most powerful beings in the Astral Plane, and that some of us are far meaner than others, you have the audacity to call me a jerk.
Attendant: Look, I- I just want you to leave us alone. We need Mac here. This station doesn’t operate without him.
Corson: It’s not my job to figure out how your little gas station operates without one little Mechanic. That’s your job, and your Mechanic belongs to me now, bitch.
Mechanic: Hey, don’t call him that! Tendy, I gave my word. I lost. I don’t like it any more than you do, but I… I have to go.
Attendant: But, Mac, we can’t do this without you.
Mechanic (choked up): C’mon, Tendy. [sniffles] You can pump gas into a car.
Attendant: It’s not just the gas. It’s you. You’re our friend.
Corson: Well isn’t this just a right lovely display of good ol’ fashioned human frailty? If we’re all done saying our lovely little goodbyes, we’ll be on our way. Till we meet again. Come along Mac, we’ve got a long journey ahead of us.
Mechanic (choked up): Bye, Tendy. Goodbye C.A.S.H.. Think of me when you hear an embarrassing childhood memory.
Corson: Oh, come along.
[Squeaky door opens and closes, door bells rattle]
Attendant: Can’t believe he’s gone. There has to be something we can do, C.A.S.H.. Maybe the coyotes can help! They got him out of here once.
C.A.S.H.: Attendant, even if the coyotes were willing to assist, they cannot destroy a Sphere Mover, they can only remove him. The Mechanic would always be in danger of Corson’s return.
Attendant: Hmm. C.A.S.H., how did the coyotes know to be here last time Corson came out?
C.A.S.H.: I used the neon lights of our sign to signal them.
Attendant: Interesting. I think I have an idea.
[Squeaky door opens and closes, door bells rattle. Soft jazz ends. Storm can be heard clearly. Running footsteps]
Attendant: Hey, wait!
Mechanic: Tendy?
Corson: Oh, what is it now you little twat? I told you, the Mechanic is mine now.
Attendant (out of breath): A game.
[Eerie music begins playing]
You and me.
Mechanic: Tendy, no!
Corson: I’m listening.
Attendant: If you win, you get Mac and me. I’ll return with you to the 8th Sphere.
Corson: Interesting. And if I, and this is highly unlikely, lose?
Attendant: Mac stays, and you tell us who we are. Who we were.
Corson: You mean the robot never told you? That’s cold, isn’t it?
As for your conditions, I can agree to letting the Mechanic stay if you win, but there’s nothing I can do about your past I’m afraid.
Mechanic: But you said if I won, you’d tell me who I am.
Corson: You were never going to win my little friend, but in the very off chance that you did, I would have made him tell you.
Mechanic: Made who tell me?
Corson: Why the old Attendant, of course. But I’m afraid he’s gone now, isn’t he? And if that robot of yours hasn’t told you anything yet, then it’s unlikely she ever will, probably can’t. No amount of threatening on my part will change that.
But I can give you something else that may help you in your quest. I can tell you where to find him.
Attendant: Find…?
Corson: The old Attendant, haven’t you been listening?
Attendant: But he’s gone. He went to the next Plane.
Corson: Lucky for you, that’s not the case, and I know where he’s at.
Attendant: How do we know you’re not lying?
Corson: Aiming to reinforce old stereotypes, eh? Malevolent being, must be a liar. A little tricky at times, but I don’t lie. Especially when it comes to the games. Do we have a deal, or not?
Attendant: We have a deal.
[Brief theme song sting. Ad break. Soft jazz plays in background, storm sounds muffled.]
Corson: So, what’ll it be? Game of Afterlife, Apologies, Battle Sphere? I got ‘em all here in my bag. Never leave Sphere without ‘em.
Attendant: What about Corsonopoly?
Corson: Corsonopoly? Why, that’s a bit of a long game. You sure you want to play that? I’m quite good at it.
Attendant: I’m sure. But I have a few ground rules first.
Corson: Well, that’s a little unorthodox, but as long as they’re within reason.
Tendy: First, no shady rule changes, okay? You explain the game in full before we begin. No new information after we get started.
Corson: What do you think I’m going to do, cheat you? I told you, I take my games seriously.
Attendant: And once we get started, there’s no stopping for any reason. You don’t leave the table for a burrito, I won’t leave the table for a traveler.
[Large thunder roll]
Leave your seat and you forfeit. I want you where I can see you.
Corson: Now see, you’re starting to offend me again. But if you insist.
Attendant: Them’s the rules.
Corson: Very well, I’ll make this quick. Now let me explain how the game is played, in full. We each start with a stack of moneys, see. We take turns moving around the board and using the moneys to buy Spheres and other landmarks. Once you’ve collected all of the landmarks and…
[Montage music drowns out Corson’s explanation and all other noise.]
Corson: Why do I feel like you are stalling?
Attendant: I’m just trying to decide if I want to buy this.
Corson: You’re making this harder than it needs to be, don’t overthink it.
Attendant: Don’t rush me.
Mac (singing to montage music):
You’re making moves and you’re make me nervous
What will the outcome be?
Usin’ your wits and your counterfeit moneys on
Celestial properties
Look out he’s bought another rest area
And now he’s all got four (Backup singing: But what’s he want ‘em for?)
Because when you complete the collection
The rent’s a whole lot more (Backup singing: Oh yeah)
You’ll never quit, yeah, you’re playin for freedom
It’s Corsonopoly (Backup singing: It’s Corsonopoly)
Do not give up on your quest to defeat him
Until the victory!
Corson: Well, well, well. Looks like you’ve landed on another one of mine. Based on the number I own, I think you owe me… 455 moneys.
Attendant: I’d like you to do the math again.
Corson: You still don’t trust me, do you?
Attendant: Um, it’s not that I don’t trust you, I just don’t know how good you are at math.
Mac (singing to montage music):
You’ll never quit, yeah, you’re playin for freedom
It’s Corsonopoly (Backup singing: It’s Corsonopoly)
Do not give up in your quest to defeat him
Until the victory!
Corson: And it all comes down to this. You roll a 7 or a 9, and your ass is mine.
Attendant: Okay… Here it goes.
[Montage music swells, then stops. Dice rolls. Soft jazz plays in background.]
Corson: Looks like you landed on the wrong Sphere, Attendant. Sorry, but you’re broke, and I win.
Attendant: Actually, I still have one money left.
Corson: C’mon, man. Let’s be real. The game’s over.
Attendant: The game is not over. Not until I’m out of money.
Corson: Fine. Take your turn. You’re making this more painful than it needs to be.
Attendant: I’m gonna! Just, give me a second here. Hang on, I’m going to recount my money. One… Yep, still one.
Corson: What on Earth are you doing? The game is over! Admit it.
Attendant: Hey, don’t rush me.
C.A.S.H.: Attendant, I think there’s someone at the door.
Attendant: I can’t right now, C.A.S.H.. If I step away, I forfeit the game.
Corson: Yeah, that’s true, the game you’ve plainly already lost.
Attendant: Mac, can you see who’s there?
Mechanic (voice moving away): Sure, Tendy. But don’t make any moves until I get back.
[Squeaky door opens and closes, door bells rattle]
Mechanic: Hey, what are you doing here? Well, um, he’s right around the corner here, but…
[Coyote growling]
Corson: [sigh] No way.
Attendant: HueHue.
[Coyote barks. Chair scrapes on floor.]
Corson: Hey, now! Keep your distance, coyote. I have a game to finish. Your friends and I have an agreement. You drag me out of this Sphere and I’ll just come back. You know it. I’m owed what I’m due.
Attendant: Well, at least part of that is true. I mean, we do have an agreement, HueHue, but the game is finished.
Corson: So, you’ve finally come to terms with the inevitable. It’s alright Attendant, someone had to lose.
Attendant: Someone did, but not me. I still have money. See? Count it. One moneys. But you also jumped out of your seat when HueHue barked at you, and we agreed, you can’t leave your seat for any reason. You forfeit. I win.
Corson: Oh, you little shit.
Attendant: Them’s the rules. Bitch.
[Impressed, cheeky laugh from Mechanic]
Corson (dejected): Indeed. Them’s the rules. No need to drag me out kicking and screaming, HueHue. I can admit when I’ve been bested. I’ll take my games and I’ll leave you in peace.
Attendant: Not so fast. The old Attendant. Where can we find him?
Corson: Oh, that. Well, it’s more of a rumor than anything.
Attendant: And what’s the rumor?
Corson: As the story goes, he’s been zigzagging back and forth between Spheres ever since he left. Ditched the car, doing most traveling on foot now. Last I heard he was being detained on the 23rd Sphere.
Mechanic: What do you mean, detained?
Corson: Again, don’t quote me on this, but the rumor is that he had a nasty run-in with, of all things, a benevolent Sphere Mover. Xochiligue is the name I believe. Makes you wonder what he’s up to that would get him in trouble with a benevolent being. I mean, she’s one of the good guys. So, what does that make your old Attendant I wonder?
[dejected] Anywho, allow me to get out of your hair. I have a Sphere to move.
Attendant: Wait. You know what? How about one more game?
Mechanic: Tendy, what in the hell are you doing?
[Upbeat, music slowly fades in]
Corson: Another game? I suppose my Sphere can make it a little longer without me. What are we playing for this time?
Attendant: Um, I was thinking for fun.
Corson: Wait, you’re saying… You want to play a game with me, a malevolent being, for the fun of it? Nothing at stake.
Attendant: Nothing at stake.
Corson: I think I’d like that! I mean, it wouldn’t hurt anything, I suppose. Corsonopoly?
Attendant: I was thinking we could try The Game of Afterlife.
Corson: Oh, The Game of Afterlife! C’mon, HueHue, join us. You’ll like this one. You can have a girlfriend in it.
Mechanic: I’ll make burritos. Who wants one?
[Huehue squeals, overlapping]
Attendant (overlapping): Me!
Corson (overlapping): I’d love one.
[Music swells, fades. Storm can be heard clearly.]
Attendant: Bye! Come back for another game night sometime. I want to try Battle Sphere!
Corson: You can count it, bitch!
Attendant: Later, jerk!
Corson (receding): Till we meet again, wanker!
[Mechanic and Attendant chuckle]
Mechanic: That was really fun!
Attendant: Yeah. Yeah, it was.
Mechanic: What’d you think about what he said? ‘Bout the old Attendant?
Attendant: I’m not sure what to think yet. Doesn’t make any sense.
Mechanic: Yeah, I thought so too. Hey, why’d you ask him to stick around after everything he did?
Attendant: I guess it was after he lost Corsonopoly. He didn’t seem mad, he seemed kinda sad. I can’t say for sure, but I get the feeling he wasn’t trying to take us to his Sphere to serve him. I mean, what does a Sphere Mover need with a gas station Attendant and a Mechanic? It didn’t make sense.
But then it got me thinking, here’s a guy who cares so much about games that he makes them by hand, carries them everywhere he goes. I think he just wanted someone he could play games with, even if he had to force them.
[Outro music slowly fades in]
Mechanic: I guess a malevolent being probably doesn’t make a lot of friends, huh?
Attendant: I would imagine not. And that’s the other thing. We’ve met a lot of people in our time at Desert Skies and I’ve never met a traveler that was all bad, or one that was all good. People are almost always both, just in different measures. Why would a Sphere Mover be any different?
Mechanic: I don’t know. I’ve been here a long time but there’s still a lot of things I don’t understand.
[Storm gets quieter]
Attendant: Same. Hey, looks like the storm’s letting up. Probably start getting travelers again soon. I’m gonna head back inside. Got some burrito wrappers to clean up.
Mechanic: Sounds good. I’m gonna hang out here for a little bit. Oh, and Tendy, thanks for sticking your neck out for me.
Attendant: Don’t think of it. You’re my best bitch, Mac.
Mechanic: [chuckle] Best bitches forever!
Attendant: Best bitches forever.
[Outro music swells, then stops with a record scratch]
[Mechanic’s Corsonopoly montage music plays]
Mechanic:
You’ll never quit, you’re playin for freedom
It’s Corsonopoly (Backup singing: It’s Corsonopoly)
Do not give up in your quest to defeat him
Until the victory!
I think I’m kinda good at this. Hey, maybe I was a singer in my past life! That’d be nuts!
[Montage music ends]
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