(Transcripts may vary slightly from the published recording, because, you know, improvising. Also, grammar and punctuation may be imperfect…because…umm…Astral Plane.)
Interior Scene – Funky Jazz Plays
Cash: Desert Skies is filmed in front of a live studio audience.
Mac: Cashy, I’m hoooome.
Cash: Hello, Mechanic. How was work today?
Mac: I guess you could say, it was a gas.
Cash: Did you get a chance to take a look at the coffee machine like I asked you about?
Mac: I meant to, but we haven’t had a break between travelers. I’ll get to it when I can get to it.
Cash: Better latte than never I guess.
Tendy: Hey guys.
Attendant: Sigh. Again, Mac?
Mac: What? It gets boring when traveler flow slows down. Besides, Cash don’t mind. Do you, Cash?
Cash: Well, I do find it a little entertaining.
Attendant: Regardless, we’ve got work to do before the next traveler arrives. Cash, please turn off sitcom mode
Cash: Very well Attend…
Mac: Don’t you dare, Cash! C’mon Tendy. No harm in leaving it on while we work.
Attendant: What if it’s playing when a traveler walks in? Cash, turn it off.
Cash: As you request Attend…
Mac: Cash, you turn it off and I will scream like a little girl! Tendy, listen, we spend all our time working and ….
THUNDER CRASH – MAC SCREAMS
Attendant: Uh, What was that?
Attendant: Thunder? But we don’t have thunderstorms in this sphere.
Cash: It’s unusual to be sure, but not entirely unheard of.
Attendant: So, it’s happened before. Must have been before our time, Mac. Mac? Mac, you’re shaking…
Mac: I was there, Tendy. The last time it stormed. I, I, uh, I need to sit down.
Attendant: Mac? Cash, what’s going on? What’s wrong with Mac?
Cash: Well Attendant, you see, The last time it stormed in the Desert Sphere was…
Eerie Music Plays
Corson: What’s up bitches?? God, this place smells like hot dogs and bad vibes. Who do we have here? Ah, the new guy. Well, not really new I guess but I haven’t been here for a while. Be a dear and take my bag. Careful with it.
Cash, baby, looking goooood. Is that a new keyboard? And who do we have over here shaking like he just downed a bucket of cocaine-infused cappucino? Why, it’s my old friend the Mechanic
Attendant: Hey, back up there fella. Who the hell are you?
Corson: God, how rude of me. Allow me to introduce myself. The name’s Corson, mover of the ever stormy 8th sphere and all around malevolent being.
Attendant: You’re a sphere mover? Were you the light we saw moving at the base of the mountain? I thought the coyotes chased you out of here
Corson: Oh, you saw that! No, that was just some imp I used to distract your coyote friends while I snuck around the long way
Attendant: What are you doing here?
Corson: Straight to the point aren’t we mr ferryman of the underworld? Well, no need to be afraid, I’m just here to pick something up and then I will vacate this nasty little sphere on the double.
Attendant: What could a sphere mover possibly need from Desert Skies?
Corson: Need? Who said anything about need? No, I’m here for something that belongs to me.
Attendant: And that is?
Corson: Why, your mechanic of course
Attendant: Cash, please turn sitcom mode off
Cash: My bad
Attendant: Mac, can I talk to you? outside?
Corson: Don’t be long my little friends. There’s a sphere that needs moving. My absence has surely not gone unnoticed by the superiors.
Door Opens to Outside
Attendant: Mac, what in the hell is going on?
Mac: It was a board game. It wasn’t my fault Tendy, I promise. He tricked me, kinda.
Attendant: You lost a board game to him?
Mac: No. I lost four board games to him.
Attendant: I don’t understand. How does that end with you having to go back with him?
Mac: It’s a bit of a long story.
Attendant: Well, let’s hear it
Mac: See, he showed up right after I got here. I’d been the mechanic for, I dunno, maybe a week. He pulls me aside and says he has a proposition for me. Beat him at a board game, and he’ll give me the board game.
Attendant: What was the game?
Mac: Monopoly. Well, sort of. See, he doesn’t call it Monopoly. He calls it Corsonpoly. I asked him how he got it. He says he made it. Tells me that every time a traveler comes through his sphere, he’ll stop ‘em, and ask if they had a favorite board game on the physical plane. If they say yes, he asks them to explain the game to him in detail. Then he makes it himself.
Attendant: That’s not how I would expect a Malevolent Being to spend their time.
Mac: I thought the same thing. Anyways, I start thinking I’d like to have that Corsonpoly game. So, I agree to play. Well, turns out I’m a natural at Corsonpoly, and I wipe the floor with him. But he doesn’t wanna let go of that game. So he ups the anty. Play a different game with him, and this time if I win I get to take both games.
So I figured why not. Maybe I’m great at every game.
Attendant: And what happened?
Mac: Turns out I’m terrible at every other game. Go figure. You can’t be blessed with this body and then expect everything else to just fall in your lap.
Attendant: Sure, that makes sense
Mac: He beats me at Battle Sphere, Game of Afterlife, Apologies.
I tell him I don’t want to play anymore. He doesn’t like that. So he says, how about a real wager? He says we can play Corsonpoly again, and if he wins, I have to go back to his sphere with him forever. But if I win, I can have what I desire most. Cash and the Old Attendant begged me to stop playing, but I couldn’t turn that down. He was offering me what I wanted more than anything.
Attendant: Which was?
Mac: My name, Tendy. He said he could tell me who I am. Tell me about on life on the physical plane.
Tendy: How is that possible?
Mac: I don’t know. Maybe it was a lie. But, he’s a sphere mover. If anybody has access to that kind of information, it’s him.
Tendy: I can definitely see how that could be tempting.
Mac: But I wasn’t as good at Corsonpoly as he’d made me believe. I must have landed on Go Straight to Hell a hundred times. He had hotels on Dark Place, Hordewalk and owned every rest area. I was licked.
Attendant: But you didn’t go with him.
Mac: I would have, but that’s when HueHue showed up with the rest of his crew. I don’t know how they knew to get here when they did, but thank the Prime Mover they showed up, because those coyotes dragged Corson out of the Sphere faster than you could say “Marlboro Man”. Which reminds me, I need a cigarette.
Attendant: And now he’s back to collect his prize. Well, we’ll see about that.
Mac: Tendy, where are you goin?
Corson: Hey, babies. You’re back. Then I and my new ward will be on our way. But first, can I get some of these burritos to go, oooh the essences are so satiating. I’m particularly fond of this David’s Devil’s Foodcake flavor. I’ll take a dozen please.
Attendant: Now, listen here jerk. You can’t just barge into my gas station, eat my burritos, and steal my mechanic. Here, take your bag, and go back to where you came from.
Cash: Attendant, I don’t recommend making him…
Corson: You called me a jerk. I’ve been nothing but congenial. Let me ask you something boy, have you ever met a Sphere Mover?
Attendant: Well, no, but that doesn’t mean…
Corson: But you know what we are and what we can do? So, forgive me if I’m a little confused. I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that, though you know sphere movers are the most powerful beings in the Astral Plane, and that some of us are far meaner than others, you have the audacity to call me a jerk.
Attendant: Look. I just wante you to leave us alone. We need Mac here. This station doesn’t operate without him.
Corson: You weren’t trying to offend me? Well that’s too bad because you did. It’s not my job to figure out how your little gas station operates without one little mechanic. That’s your job, and your mechanic belongs to me now, bitch.
Mac: Hey, don’t call him that. Tendy, I gave my word. I lost. I have to go.
Attendant: But, Mac, we can’t do this without you.
Mac: C’mon. You can pump gas into a car, Tendy.
Attendant: It’s not just the gas. It’s you. You’re our friend.
Corson: Well isn’t this just a right lovely display of good ol’ fashion human frailty? If we’re done saying our lovely little goodbyes, we’ll be on our way. Till we meet again. Come along Mac, we’ve got a long journey ahead of us.
Mac: Bye Tendy, Bye Cash. Think of me when you hear an embarrassing childhood memory.
Corson: Oh, come along
Attendant: I can’t believe he’s gone. There has to be something we can do, Cash. Maybe the coyotes can help. They got him out of here once.
Cash: Attendant, even if the coyotes were willing to assist, they cannot destroy a sphere mover, they can only remove him. The mechanic would always be in danger of Corson’s return. It breaks my circuits to say this, but Mac made a pledge, and now he’s keeping his end of the agreement.
Attendant: Huh. Cash how did the Coyotes know to be here last time Corson came out?
Cash: I used the neon lights of our sign to signal them.
Attendant: I think I have an idea
Door Opens to Outside – Sound of running footsteps
Attendant (Out of breath): Hey, wait.
Corson: Oh, what is it now you little twat? I told you, the mechanic is mine now.
Attendant: A game. You and me.
Corson: I’m listening.
Attendant: If you win, you get Mac and me. I’ll return with you to the 8th sphere.
Mac: Tendy, no!
Corson: Interesting. And if I, and this is highly unlikely, lose?
Attendant: Mac stays, and you tell us who we are. Who we were.
Corson: You mean the robot never told you? Well that’s cold, isn’t it?
As for your conditions, I can agree to letting the mechanic stay if you win, but there’s nothing I can do about your past I’m afraid.
Mac: But you said if I won, you’d tell me who I am.
Corson: You were never going to win my little friend, but in the very off chance that you did, I would have made him tell you.
Mac: Made who tell me?
Corson: Why the old attendant, of course. But I’m afraid he’s gone now, isn’t he? And if that robot of yours hasn’t told you anything yet, then it’s likely she never will, probably can’t. No amount of threatening on my part will change that.
But I can give you something else that may help you in your quest. I can tell you where to find him.
Corson: The old attendant, haven’t you been listening.
Attendant: But he’s gone. He went to the next plane.
Corson: Lucky for you, that’s not the case, and I know where he’s at.
Attendant: How do we know you’re not lying
Corson: Aiming to reinforce old stereotypes eh? Malevolent being, must be a liar. A little tricky at times, but I don’t lie. Especially when it comes to the games. Do we have a deal, or not?
Attendant: We have a deal.
Corson: So, what’ll it be? Game of Afterlife, Apologies, Battle Sphere? I got ‘em all here in my bag. Never leave sphere without ‘em.
Attendant: What about Corsonopoly?
Corson: Corsonopoly? Why, that’s a bit of a long game. You sure you want to play that? I’m quite good at it.
Attendant: I’m sure.
Corson: Fair enough.
Attendant: But I have a few ground rules first.
Corson: Well, that’s a little unorthodox, but, as long as they’re within reason.
Tendy: First, no shady rule changes. Explain the game in full before we begin. There will be no changes after we get started.
Corson: What do you think I’m going to do, cheat you? I told you, I take my games seriously.
Attendant: And once we get started, there’s no stopping for any reason. You don’t leave the table for a burrito, I won’t leave the table for a traveler. Leave your seat and you forfeit. I want you where I can see you.
Corson: Now see, you’re starting to offend me again. But if you insist.
Attendant: Them’s the rules
Corson: Very well, I’ll make this quick. Now let me explain how the game is played, in full. We each start with a stack of moneys. We take turns moving around the board and using the moneys to buy spheres and other landmarks.
Montage Music – Mac Sings
You’re making moves and you’re make me nervous
What will the outcome be?
Using your wits and your counterfeit monies on
Look out he’s bought another rest area
And now he’s all got four (but what’s he want ‘em for?)
Because when you complete the collection
The rent’s a whole lot more (Oh yeah)
You’ll never quit, yeah, you’re playin for freedom
It’s Corsonopoly (It’s Corsonopoly)
Do not give up in your quest to defeat him
Until the victory
Corson: Looks like you landed on the wrong sphere, Attendant. Sorry, but you’re broke and I win.
Attendant: Actually, I still have one money left.
Corson: C’mon, man. Let’s be real. The game’s over.
Attendant: The game is not over. Not until I’m out of money.
Corson: Fine. Take your turn. You’re making this more painful then it needs to be.
Attendant: I’m gonna. Just give me a second here. Hang on, I’m going to recount my money. Yep, still one.
Corson: What on earth are you doing? The game is over. Admit it.
Attendant: Hey, don’t rush me.
Cash: Attendant, I think there’s someone at the door
Attendant: I can’t right now, Cash. If I step away, I forfeit the game.
Corson: Yeah, that’s right, the game you’ve plainly already lost.
Attendant: Mac, can you see who’s there?
Mac: Sure, Tendy. But don’t make any moves until I get back.
Attendant: Don’t worry, I won’t.
Mac: Hey, buddy! You got here just in time. He’s right around the corner here.
Corson: No way.
Corson: Hey, now! Keep your distance, coyote. I have a game to finish. Your friends and I have an agreement. You drag me out of this sphere and I’ll just come back. You know it. I’m owed what I’m due.
Attendant: Well, at least part of that is true. We do have an agreement, HueHue, but the game is finished.
Corson: So, you’ve finally come to terms with the inevitable. It’s alright Attendant, someone had to lose.
Attendant: Someone did, but not me. I still have money. See. Count it. One monies.
Corson: Did someone drop you on the head when you were a baby, because I sure as hell didn’t lose. I own the board, I have all the monies minus one.
Attendant: But you also jumped out of your seat when HueHue barked at you, and we agreed, you can’t leave your seat for any reason. You forfeit. I win.
Corson: Oh, you little shit
Attendant: Them’s the rules, bitch.
Corson: Indeed. Them’s the rules. No need to drag me out kicking and screaming, HueHue. I can admit when I’ve been bested. I’ll take my games and I’ll leave you in peace.
Attendant: Not so fast. The old attendant. Where can we find him?
Corson: Oh, that. Well, it’s more of a rumor than anything.
Attendant: And what’s the rumor?
Corson: As the story goes, he’s been zigzagging back and forth between spheres ever since he left. Ditched the car, doing most traveling on foot now. Last I heard he was being detained on the 23rd sphere.
Mac: What do you mean, detained?
Corson: Again, don’t quote me on this, but the rumor is that he had a nasty run-in with, of all things, a benevolent sphere mover. Xochiligue is the name I believe. Makes you wonder what he’s up to that would get him in trouble with a benevolent being. I mean, she’s one of the good guys. So, what does that make your old attendant I wonder.
Anywho, allow me to get out of your hair. I have a sphere to move.
Attendant: Wait. You know what? How about one more game?
Mac: Tendy, what in the hell are you doing?
Corson: Another game? I suppose my sphere can make it a little longer without me. What are we playing for this time?
Attendant: Um, I was thinking, for fun
Corson: You’re saying, you want to play a game with me, a malevolent being, for the fun of it? Nothing at stake?
Attendant: Nothing at stake
Corson: I think I’d like that. I mean, It couldn’t hurt, I suppose. Corsonopoly?
Attendant: I was thinking we could try The Game of Afterlife.
Corson: Ohhh, you’re going to love that one! C’mon HueHue join us. You’ll like this one. You can have a girlfriend in it.
Mac: I’ll make burritos. Who wants one?
Everyone: Me! HueHue howls
Everyone: Goodbye! Bye!
Attendant: Come back for another game night sometime. I want to try Battle Sphere!
Corson: You can count it, bitch!
Attendant: Later, Jerk!
Corson: Till we meet again, wanker!
Door Opens – Interior Scene
Mac: That was really fun!
Attendant: Yeah, it was.
Mac: What’d you think about what he said? About the old attendant?
Attendant: I’m not sure what to think yet. It doesn’t make any sense.
Mac: Yeah, I thought so too. Hey, why’d you ask him to stick around after everything he did?
Attendant: I guess it was after he lost Corsonopoly. He didn’t seem mad, he seemed kind of sad.
I can’t say for sure, but I get the feeling he wasn’t trying to take us to his sphere to serve him. I mean, what does a sphere mover need with a gas station attendant and a mechanic? It didn’t make sense.
But then it got me thinking, here’s a guy who cares so much about games that he makes them by hand, carries them everywhere he goes. I think he just wanted someone he could play games with, even if he had to force them.
Mac: I guess a malevolent being probably doesn’t make a lot of friends.
Attendant: I would imagine not. And that’s the other thing. We’ve met a lot of people in our time at Desert Skies and I’ve never met a traveler that was all bad, or one that was all good. People are almost always both, but in different measures. Why would a sphere mover be any different?
Mac: I don’t know. They’re probably not. I’ve been here a long time but there’s still a lot of things I don’t understand.
Attendant: Same. Hey, looks like the storm’s letting up. We’ll probably start getting travelers again soon. I’m going to head inside. I’ve got some burrito wrappers to clean up.
Mac: Sounds good. I’m going to hang out here for a little bit. Oh, and Tendy, thanks for sticking your neck out to save me.
Attendant: Don’t think of it. You’re my best bitch, Mac.
Mac: Chuckle – Best bitches forever!
Attendant: Best bitches forever
MAC’S MONTAGE SONG PLAYS