(Transcripts may vary slightly from the published recording, because, you know, improvising. Also, grammar and punctuation may be imperfect…because…umm…Astral Plane.)
[Sound of a Plane Being Jostled around violently]
Tendy: Oh God, oh God, oh God.
Mac: Woohoo! Hahaha. Yeah! Let’s go
[Sound of Intercom System Turning On]
Greg: Hey, sorry about that. Flyin’ over the eighth sphere always gives a bit of a bump to the keester. Make sure you’re buckled in. I’d hate to hear ya goin’ bumpin’ around pinball style inside the fuselage. No Siree. Not a good time.
Tendy: You heard him.
Mac: I’m not wearin’ my seatbelt, man. This is way way way too fun.
Tendy: I’m glad you’re having fun, Mac. Really, but you’re going to bounce into me and that would not be fun, for either of us.
Mac: [disappointed] Understood.
[Sound of Seatbelt Clicking]
Tendy: Thanks.
Mac: How are you feeling about flyin’?
Tendy: Well, I still can’t bring myself to look out the window and everytime the engine makes a sound I assume a propeller is flying off and the turbulence is making me regret eating those nachos before we took off. Aside from that, I’m doing better than I expected.
Mac: Good good. You’re doin’ great.
[Sound of Intercom System Turning On]
Greg: We’re no longer at risk of severe turbulence so you can take off those seatbelts and move about the cabin as you wish.
Mac: Sounds like we’ve left the eighth sphere. I’m goin’ to the cockpit. Wanna come?
[Sound of Seatbelt Unbuckling]
Tendy: No thanks. I’m going to stay here and…try to stabilize.
Mac: [chuckle] You do that, bud.
[Transition to cockpit. Curtain being opened]
Mac: Howdy, howdy. How’s it goin’ in here?
Greg: I dunno. Whadda you think there, C.A.S.H.? How’s it goin?
C.A.S.H: It’s going great! It’s been so long since I’ve gotten to learn the ins and outs of new machinery.
Greg: She’s a fantastic student. Reminds me of Betty.
Mac: Speakin’ of. Where’d she go?
Greg: Oh, yeah, you really wanna hear about that? She’s at a demolition derby on the physical plane.
Mac: A demolition derby?
Greg: When people drivin’ junk cars wreck into each other on purpose. Last car running wins.
Mac: That sounds absolutely kick-ass and amazing and I’m gonna try it when we get back.
What’s the story? Did you and Betty like to watch those when you were back on the Physical Plane?
Greg: Oh sure, we loved watchin’ em. Super dangerous though.
Mac: Are you sad that Betty’s watchin’ ‘em without you?
Greg: She’s not watching ‘em, she’s driving in one.
Mac: Holy crap. Can you die doin’ that?
Greg: Sure, but, I mean, that almost never happens. Drivers gotta wear helmets and can’t run into other cars’ driver door, you gotta wear a seatbelt, but…
Mac: But…
Greg: But Betty’s not really wearin’ a seatbelt. She stitched a shirt that looks like it’s got a shoulder strap across it and her helmet is made out of, and I kid you not, paper machè. I mean, points for creativity…
Mac: Betty with a deathwish.
Greg: That could be a band name.
Mac: That COULD be a band name.
Greg: C.A.S.H. pop quiz, name five of the instruments here in the cockp…
C.A.S.H: Airspeed indicator, rheostat, turn blank indicator, primer, instrument panel, instrument panel light, altimeter, control column, mixture control tension adj…
Greg: Okay okay. You pass.
C.A.S.H: Can I fly it now?
Greg: Maybe we save the test flight for when we don’t have passengers, okay?
C.A.S.H: [Disappointed] Okay.
Mac: I’m headed back to the cabin.
Greg: Alright, I’ll let ya know when we’re beginning our descent.
Mac: Sounds good.
[Sound of Mac walking back to Cabin]
Mac: Hey bud.
Tendy: How are things in the cockpit?
Mac: Great. Greg’s teaching C.A.S.H. how to fly. She’s pickin’ up quick, Tend. Like, I think she’s already got it.
Tendy: That’s cool. You didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary. Plane’s okay? Everything’s working?
Mac: [chuckle] Yep. Everything’s good. You sure you don’t want the tape player? C.A.S.H. made you that relaxing mixtape with all your favorite chill songs, and I brought some headphones for ya.
Tendy: Maybe on the way back. For now, I need to listen to the engines to make sure they keep working.
Mac: Tendy, if they stop workin’ you can’t do anything about it.
Tendy: Just the same. Thanks, Mac. Why don’t you use them instead?
Mac: Don’t mind if I do. Deep breaths. We’ll be there soon.
Tendy: Enjoy the music.
Mac: Thanks bud, I will.
[Headphones on. Tape player pushed. Music begins playing]
Tendy: [muffled] Mac. Mac!
[Headphones off. Sound of music now distant and muffled as headphones move away from head]
Mac: What? What? What?
Tendy: I didn’t look at the tires when we took off, did they look like they were…full…like completely aired up to the right amount of pressure?
Mac: Oh, yeah yeah. I looked. They looked real good.
Tendy: Okay. Sorry to bother you. Thanks, Mac.
Mac: Anytime, bud.
[Music becomes clearer as Mac returns the headphones to his ears]
[We drift into a peaceful melody which leads to a transition. When we return, a new song is playing]
Greg: [muffled] Alright everybody we are beginning our descent into the 18th sphere.
Tendy: [muffled] Mac!
Mac: What?
Tendy: We’re about to land.
[Headphones off. Sound of music now distant and muffled as headphones move away from head]
Greg: Take a look out the window. It’s a gorgeous sight, very reminiscent of landing at night back on the physical plane.
Mac: Wow, that is pretty. I’ve never seen so many lights. Look Tend, they even got streets and streetlamps. It’s like a giant neighborhood. And what in the sphere is that building? Look, Tendy!
Tendy: I’ll wait to see it horizontally.
Mac: Suit yourself.
[Sound of plane landing. Curtain being drawn from down the aisle]
[Sound of Tendy clapping]
Mac: Don’t clap man.
Tendy: Why?
Mac: It makes you look like a dork.
Tendy: Really?
Greg: Congrats on taking your first flight, Tendy. You did great. I’ll get that door open for ya. And give me a moment to put this step down.
Mac: I’m so excited, man. Thanks for letting us go, Tendy. I know this trip was meant to be more business than pleasure, but…
Tendy: But there’s no reason it can’t be a little of both.
Mac: Exactly!
Greg: Alright, all ready for you to depart the cabin.
Mac: Ah, yeah! Let’s go!
[Transition to outside scene]
Tendy: Oh, thank you thank you thank you for getting us here safely, Greg.
Greg: I told ya I know how to fly, Tendy. You would not believe the storm that brought me down back on the physical plane. No way I could have avoided that…
Mac: What in the world is that building? It must take up half the sphere.
C.A.S.H: [Giddy with excitement] Oh, I was so hoping you’d get to see this place soon, Mac. Read the sign.
Mac: [Reading slowly] The Dougville mall? A Place for the Places You Love. It’s a mall?!?!?
C.A.S.H: Wait until you get inside, Mac. You’re going to love it.
Tendy: But before we go inside I think we need to take a moment to talk about…Mac? Wait! Where are you going?
Mac: It’s not my fault, Tendy! You know I don’t have impulse control I can’t even control my body, it’s making me go into the maaaaall. I smell pretzels. I smell cinnamon buns. Hehehehehe.
[Desert Skies Intro Plays]
[Sound of Sliding Glass Doors]
Tendy: Hey Mac, where’d you go?
Mac: In here, guys.
Tendy: K.B. Toys
[Sound of Group walking in to Toy Store]
Mac: Look at this Tendy. It’s called a Magna Doodle
Tendy: A Magna what?
Mac: A Magna Doodle. I doodle a picture like this.
Tendy: Is that supposed to be a dog?
Mac: A dog? That’s kind of insulting.
C.A.S.H.: It’s HueHue!
Mac: Ding. Ding. Ding. Good job, C.A.S.H. Now check this out. I slide this thing here, boom, erased.
What else can I draw? Oh, I know. Check this out, Tend.
[Sound of Mac drawing]
Mac: Recognize this guy?
Tendy: Let’s see. Big nose. Gap in the teeth. Slicked back hair. Oh! I know this one. It’s Cody Murphy! The guy who tried to bite me when I told him he was dead.
Mac: Yeah, I had to lay him out.
Tendy: I still get a little tense in the shoulders when I think about that guy.
Mac: I know, but this check out. Slide this over.
Tendy: Okay…
[Sound of Slider Erasing Magna Doodle]
Mac: He’s gone!
Greg: Look at that.
Tendy: So long Cody! That’s really cool, Mac.
Mac: Can we get one?
Tendy: We don’t have any money.
Mac: Ah, yeah. That’s right.
K.B. Toy Stores Doug: You don’t need any money!
Mac: Gah!
Tendy: Uhhh.
Greg: Ah geez.
C.A.S.H: Hi K.B. Toy Stores Doug.
K.B. Toy Stores Doug: Hi, C.A.S.H.
Tendy: Sorry for yelling. You surprised us. It’s good to see you again, Doug. Last time wasn’t the best of circumstances.
K.B. Toy Stores Doug: More like nice to meet ya. Doug doesn’t know who the heck you are.
Tendy: Oh?
C.A.S.H: Tendy, this isn’t the Doug that was with Xochitlicue during the assault on the station.
K.B. Toy Stores Doug: Oh, no, not this Doug. Doug’s schedule, not to mention value system would never allow it. Anyways, the Magna Doodle is…sorry, name?
Tendy: Oh, I’m Tendy. This is Mac. We’re the Attendants of Desert Skies. And this is our friend, Greg. You seem to already know C.A.S.H.
K.B. Toy Stores Doug: Indeed Doug does. The Magna Doodle is Tendy and Mac’s. Doug hopes you enjoy it. Now, may Doug interest you in one of these bad boys?
Tendy: Talk boy? What’s it do?
Doug: Allow Doug to show you. I simply press the record button and speak into the microphone like so, “Credit Card, you got it” and then Doug simply rewinds it, and slides this here to play the recording back at a slower speed “Credit card, you got it”
Mac: Hahaha. That’s amazing. What’s with the whole credit card you got it thing?
K.B. Toy Stores Doug: It’s a quote from Doug’s favorite Christmas movie, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York which is currently playing at the Dougimark Theater along with 4,516 other films.
Greg: 4,516? Hey, you don’t happen to have Strange Brew playin’ do ya?
K.B. Toy Stores Doug: Sure do! It’s a Canadian masterpiece.
Greg: Alright, fellas. Look, whatever’s goin’ on here I think it’s probably a job meant for you three and not for me. Doug, which ways the theater?
K.B. Toy Stores Doug: Just head that way, and go past the food court, you can’t miss it.
Tendy: Greg, what about when it’s time to leave? How can we find you?
Greg: Uh, let’s see here. Doug, you got any walkie talkies?
K.B. Toy Stores Doug: Only the best of the best. Give Doug just a moment, I’ll be right back.
Mac: I really really want to go to the food court, guys. Can we please go to the food court?
Tendy: I’m sure at some point, but Mac, remember, we’re here because the Sphere of Doug needs our help.
Mac: Oh, right. I almost forgot.
K.B. Toy Stores Doug: Okay, okay. Here ya go.
[Doug opening package}
Doug: Arco Captain Power Walkie Talkies, produced by Mattel. Got enough for each of you. Now, should Tend, Mac, C.A.S.H. and Greg need to talk you just hold down this button and talk. Here’s some extra 9-volt batteries should you need them.
Tendy: Thanks, Doug. Can you tell us what’s happening? We got a call from…some of you…saying that the Sphere of Doug is in trouble. That you needed our help.
K.B. Toy Stores Doug: The Sphere of Doug IS in trouble, and Dougs do need your help.
Mac: Right, but what’s goin’ on?
[Sound of P.A. system turning on and we hear another Doug]
Bath and Body Works Doug: Attention, all mall shoppers and my dutiful fellow Dougs. This is Bath and Body Works Doug speaking. In light of this remarkably somber situation we have found ourselves in, all Mall operations are ceasing indefinitely. Shoppers please make all your final selections and leave the mall in short order. Dougs, please close your stores and gather in the mall atrium.
Tendy: The mall’s closing?
Mac: At least he didn’t say anything about the food court.
Bath and Body Works Doug: One more thing. This also applies to all food service and theater Dougs.
Mac: Noooooooo.
K.B. Toy Stores Doug: Don’t worry. Once the Attendants have helped the Sphere of Doug, Doug’s sure that we’ll resume operations. Mac really must try one of our Hot Dougs on a Stick.
Mac: Okay. Probably for the best. C’mon guys, let’s go see what we can do to help.
[Fade to Advertising break]
[Return to sound of Atrium, Piano Music Playing. Sound of Crowd Talking with lots of Doug chatter]
Doug: How are things goin’ at perfumania, Perfumania Doug?
Perfumania Doug: Oh, just fine, K.B. Toy Stores Doug, just fine. Doug’s a huge fan of White Diamond perfume as you know.
K.B. Toy Stores Doug: Same, Doug, same.
Doug: What about Borders Book Store? How’s that goin’ Borders Book Store Doug?
Borders Book Store Doug: Oh, real good. We just got the new Michael Jackson.
K.B. Toy Stores Doug: Doug loves Michael Jackson.
Doug: Doug feels weird closin’ his store.
Doug: Doug really wanted to get some Jamba Juice.
Doug: Does any Doug know what’s goin’ on?
Doug: Oh, they got the fountain working again.
Doug: Doug loves this piano.
Doug: Gosh, Doug hopes we can get this problem fixed.
Doug: What’s gonna happen if Doug never comes back?
[Sound of Doug tapping Microphone and music stopping]
Doug: Hello, Dougs. It is I, Bath and Body Works Doug. Let’s take a moment to show some appreciation for piano playin’ Doug. Truly soul soothin’ stuff, Doug. Truly helpful melodic relaxation inducing stuff that is so needed in these dark days.
[Sound of clapping]
Doug: Well done, Doug.
Doug: Absolute treasure.
Doug: I need to learn how to play. Where can a Doug get lessons?
Bath and Body Works Doug: Dougs! Word has spread throughout the sphere, so Doug’s sure that what he’s about to say will come as no surprise. Doug is missing.
Doug: What? This is the first time Dumpster Doug’s hearing about this!
Bath and Body Works Doug: I’m sorry dumpster Doug. To be fair, you were probably in the dumpster.
Doug: Dumpster Doug’s just trying to make sure everyone’s recycling.
Doug: And we thank you, Dumpster Doug.
Bath and Body Works Doug: As I was saying, our beloved Doug is missing. At first, there was no reason to be alarmed. Sometimes Doug likes to minigolf alone, but we checked there. No Doug. Sometimes Doug watches the movie Honeysuckle Rose by himself.
Sharper Image Doug: That’s a terrible movie.
Bath and Body Works Doug: Yeah, well nobody asked Sharper Image Doug. That’s the best movie of all time and all we Dougs love it, so keep your opinion to yourself, kindly. Love your store by the way. Anyways, Doug wasn’t there. We checked everywhere. Now, Doug knows we all love Doug and we have to do something to find him. I would ask that all Dougs begin their search of the Sphere of Doug. Surely, if enough of us devote our time to looking, we’ll get the job done. Radio shack Doug.
Radio Shack Doug: Here.
Bath and Body Works Doug: We need flashlights and lots of batteries.
Radio Shack Doug: On it.
Bath and Body Works Doug: Old Timey general store Doug.
Old Timey Doug: Yessss
Doug: A ration of hardtack for each Doug.
Old Timey Doug: Okayyyy
Bath and Body Works Doug: Now, a few more things I want to mention. So listen to Doug. First, check your storerooms just to be sure Doug isn’t there. Next, we want to check every theater and projector room. After the mall, which is where Doug was last spotted, we’ll move into the neighborhoods.
[While Doug is saying the above, the Desert Skies crew is talking]
Tendy: I’m not trying to be rude, but why did they call us out here just to look for a doug. There has to be hundreds, maybe thousands of Doug’s here who could look.
Mac: I’m gonna ask. Hey Doug!
Doug: Doug’s sorry traveler, but this is Doug only business. Sphere’s closed. Please return to your Buick Skylark and continue on your journey to the afterlife.
Tendy: We’re not travelers, we’re the Attendants. You called us.
Bath and Body Works Doug: Bath and Body Works Doug did no such thing.
Doug: No, you didn’t. I did.
Bath and Body Works Doug: 1987 K.B. Toy Store Doug…but…why? The Prime Mover told us to only call the Attendants when absolutely necessary. This could have been handled in-house.
K.B. Toy Stores Doug: No, it couldn’t. Some of us have been payin’ attention to Doug’s behavior for a while now. Somethin’s wrong. He never stops by Sbarros for his pepperoni slice anymore, it’s been ages since we’ve seen him for his regular viewing of Honeysuckle Rose. Somethin’s wrong with Doug. Sure we can all band together and find him, but if Doug’s run away cause something’s wrong, he’s just gonna do it again.
We gotta get to the heart of this, and if anybody’s gonna figure out what’s got Doug’s gourd, it’s the Attendants. All they do is help people get to the heart of their problems. Travelers talk about ‘em all the time.
Tendy: They do?
Mac: Guys, no offense. What’s so special about this missin’ Doug that you called us? I mean, I’m sure you’re all special, don’t get me wrong, but we got a job to do back at the station.
K.B. Toy Stores Doug: This isn’t just any Doug. This is Sphere Mover Doug.
Tendy: Sphere mover Doug? He’s missing?
Bath and Body Works Doug: Yeah, and we looked everywhere. Understand. This is not good. Not good at all.
Mac: Look, I get that you care about the guy, and we’ll help you find him and I’m sure he’s okay, but can’t one of you just become the new sphere mover if say, Doug has completely moved on from this place? Left the sphere? Maybe Doug didn’t dig it.
Bath and Body Works Doug: But Doug did dig it, din’t he Doug?
Mac: Did he, Doug?
K.B. Toy Stores Doug: Did Doug dig it, Doug? Of course Doug did dig it, Doug goneit, Doug doug it
Mac: So, you’re sayin’…
Tendy: Mac, Don’t do it.
Mac: Okay.
Tendy: Guys, Mac’s right, isn’t he? Can’t another Doug just step up and take over at least in the interim? Like, maybe you Bath and…
Bath and Body Works Doug: Body Works.
Tendy: Bath and Body Works Doug?
Bath and Body Works Doug: Uh, Doug appreciates your vote of confidence but I’m no sphere mover.
Tendy: Why not?
Bath and Body Works Doug: Because I don’t have the power of Sphere Mover Doug. 1987 K.B. Toy Stores Doug, did you sing the song for ‘em?
K.B. Toy Store Doug: No, I didn’t have time.
Bath and Body Works Doug: Well, let’s get to it. Piano playin’ Doug, to the keyboard please.
Piano Playin’ Doug: Okay. I am now keyboard Doug.
[Simple Keyboard Beat begins to play]
Welcome friend to the sphere of Doug
To the sphere of Doug
Let us tell you what we’re all about
Look around Dougs and tell me what you see
A suncoast video and KFC
Laser tag and a Bass Pro Shop
A Waffle House, A Denny’s, oh look, IHOP
Doug sees a tavern from colonial times
Doug sees a K-Mart and a five and dime
Is it comin’ together, do you understand?
The Sphere of Doug’s a happy memory land
The Sphere of Doug’s a happy memory land
The Sphere of Doug’s a happy memory land
Mac: What?
Tendy: What?
Doug: Just wait. You’ll see.
When a traveler arrives on the sphere of Doug
We dip into their memories to find what they love
We find their favorite person, we find their favorite place
That they loved the most back in their Physical days
And we let them spend a moment with their memories here
Then we send them on their way and their person disappears
But the places that they loved, well they stay behind.
And populate our sphere for the rest of all time.
So that everyone who visits can be full of good cheer
The Sphere of Doug is the sweetest of spheres
The sphere of Doug is the sweetest of spheres
The sphere of Doug is the sweetest of sphe…
Tendy: Stop stop stop
Bath and Body Works Doug: Seriously? We had like literally one more line to sing.
Tendy: I’m sorry. I think we get the point. I mean, maybe. You’re saying travelers who visit your sphere…
Bath and Body Works Doug: Travelers who visit the sphere of Doug are granted two amazing gifts. Their favorite place, down to the final detail. Maybe it was a K.B. Toys from 1987, Maybe a KFC back when they still had buffets. Maybe it was the house they grew up in.
Mac: The giant neighborhoods we saw.
Bath and Body Works Doug: or it could be the tree where they got their first kiss or the stadium where they saw their favorite team play or the hipster theater where they went to midnight showings of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Every place they could ever want to return to.
Doug [Ominously]: Stay out of the adult section.
Tendy: Oh-kay, how can your sphere hold all of this?
Bath and Body Works Doug: Don’t know. Maybe it’s growin’. It’s never been a problem. In addition to their favorite place, they also get a person. The person they loved the most, and that person spends a little time with them, and then they disappear when the traveler leaves the Sphere of Doug.
Mac: Are these people in their memories alive or dead?
Bath and Body Works Doug: Oh, both. It doesn’t matter. They’re not really here. They’re more like a memory come to life. Here for a moment, gone the next.
Tendy: This place is not what I was expecting. I had no idea.
Bath and Body Works Doug: We Dougs tend to keep our operations under wraps. After seventeen spheres it’s a nice surprise for travelers, a little more than halfway to the next life, it gives ‘em the boost they need to continue on their journey.
Mac: That’s so sweet. Greg have you…
Greg: Well, I let ‘em do my favorite place one time. It was Mindy’s, which was Betty and I’s favorite bar.
Mac: And I’m assumin’ your favorite person…
Greg: Yeah, Betty. Didn’t need to conjure up her memory because she was already floatin’ here with me. We’ve stopped back at the bar a couple times since. Nice little spot. Even if it’s got a Doug behind the bar instead of a Betty.
Mac: Well, I’d like to go sometime.
Doug: Attendants, Doug thinks maybe K.B. Toy Store Doug is right. If we even do find him, somethin’s wrong with Sphere Mover Doug. Maybe you can help him. Maybe you can save our sphere from becomin’ just the sweetest of all the malls.
C.A.S.H: Attendants, I think we should split up. You and Mac can go together in case you find him and can talk to him. Greg and I can go separately and radio you if we find him.
Tendy: Good idea, C.A.S.H. You ready, Mac?
Mac: Sure am. Doug, if we can help your Sphere Mover, will the mall reopen? I kind of want to eat something from every single restaurant you have here.
Bath and Body Works Doug: You help our Sphere Mover and we’ll serve it all up buffet style, Big Macs,
Mac: [Chuckle] Mac
Bath and Body Works Doug: Moons Over My Hammy, Dippin’ Dots. The whole array.
Mac: Let’s go help a Sphere Mover.
[Transition Music]
[Sound of Mac and Tendy walking down street]
Tendy: So, this is the sphere of Doug.
Mac: I’m gonna be honest, man. The first time I saw that little guy, and he said this was the sweetest of spheres, I thought maybe he meant like a candy store or somethin’. Here we are walking through the a ginormous freakin’ suburb.
Tendy: That’s funny you say that. I was kind of imagining a place with mountains made of ice cream and maybe bridges forged from KitKats.
Mac: That woulda been pretty sweet. Pun intended.
Tendy: But it’s…so much more than that. It’s better.
Mac: You’re right, Tendy. It’s a whole different kind of sweet. Pretty surprisin’ for a sphere mover that acts more like a cartoon character than a human being.
Laser Tag Doug: Cartoon character? That’s not cool.
Tendy: Oh, hey, Doug. Sorry about that. We didn’t know you were here.
Laser Tag Doug: Ah, it’s fine. I’m Laser Tag Doug, and Laser Tag Doug knows we Dougs are a little cartoony. But our cartoonishness is deceiving as I’m sure you can attest to.
Mac: Oh, absolutely. That’s what we were talkin’ about. This place is truly remarkable, and not just that, the work you do here is probably the kindest imaginable. What ya doin?
Laser Tag Doug: Oh, Doug came out to grab the evening paper and noticed the juniper bush was lookin’ a little unkempt. And who might I ask are you?
Mac: We’re the Attendants…from Desert Skies.
Laser Tag Doug: Is that right? Well, welcome. You’re a little out of your jurisdiction aren’t you.
Mac: Maybe. I think the job responsibilities of an Attendant are expanding.
Laser Tag Doug: Expanding?
Mac: Yeah, like, Attending to more than just the station. That’s why we’re here actually. We’re looking for Sphere Mover Doug.
Laser Tag Doug: Oh. I see.
Tendy: Doug, I don’t understand something.
Laser Tag Doug: What’s that?
Tendy: This Sphere…we’re a little blown away by the work you do here. It seems like maybe the most loving thing you can do for travelers. All the Dougs working together to keep the mall operating, giving people the space to spend another moment with the people they love.
Laser Tag Doug: Doug agrees. I’m proud of the work we do here.
Tendy: Then why did Sphere Mover Doug join forces with Xochitlicue to bring an end to the station?
Laser Tag Doug: You’d have to ask Sphere Mover Doug that. Why do the Attendants think I’m out here prunin’ my Juniper bush’s instead of out there with the rest of the Dougs tryin’ to find him.
Mac: Cause you’re lazy?
Laser Tag Doug: Lazy? I’m laser tag doug. You ever tried to manage a laser tag arena? Replacin’ all those black lights, refillin’ fog machines and rechargin’ laser guns. It’s exhausting and I do it all the time.
Mac: Sorry for callin’ you lazy.
Laser Tag Doug: I’m not out there because Sphere Mover Doug Forgot what the Sphere of Doug is all about. Joining that despicable crusade. Stealing travelers and making an army! And…
Mac: And what?
Laser Tag Doug: Sphere Mover Doug hates us, the other Dougs.
Tendy: What makes you say that?
Laser Tag Doug: Doug heard him say it. Heard him talkin’ to Xochitilcue. I was tefillin’ the fog machines in the laser tag arena, when Sphere Mover Doug and Sphere Mover Xochitlicue came in to talk. They thought they were alone. She asked Doug to help her build an army. He didn’t hesitate, he just agreed.
I think she was surprised, because she said she expected more pushback. That’s when Doug said it. He was tired of us. Tired of the other Dougs. He wanted to steal travelers just so he wouldn’t have to deal with us anymore.
Laser Tag Doug doesn’t say this lightly. After the confrontation at the Desert Sphere, Sphere Mover Doug returned…deflated. We resumed operations, but Sphere Mover Doug was never the same. He stopped enjoying the things he’d enjoyed before. Stopped hanging out at his favorite haunts. And you know what? Laser Tag Doug could care less. Let that traitor go. Good riddens.
Mac: But what about his powers? How are people’s favorite people and places gonna keep showin’ up if Sphere Mover Doug isn’t around to make it happen.
Laser Tag Doug: That is unfortunate, Doug agrees. But Sphere Mover Doug had stopped doin’ that anyways. Said his heart just wasn’t in it anymore.
Mac: Wow.
Tendy: I’m sorry you feel that way, Doug. I think I can understand, at least a little, what that might feel like. But, listen, maybe we can find out what’s wrong, what’s really wrong with Doug. That is, if we can find him.
Laser Tag Doug: You really think you can help Sphere Mover Doug?
Tendy: I don’t know. But we can try.
Laser Tag Doug: I think I know where he is. Where he might be. And noDougies gonna find him.
Mac: Why? Where is he?
Laser Tag Doug: The Photon Laser Tag arena.
Tendy: What makes you think he’s there.
Laser Tag Doug: Because he hates Laser Tag. All the Dougs do. It’s cause they’re scared of the dark.
Mac: But you work there.
Laser Tag Doug: That’s why Laser Tag Doug was assigned to it. I kinda love the dark, and I freakin’ love laser tag!
Tendy: Will you show us the way?
Laser Tag Doug: Yeah, I can do that. But you gotta do something for me.
Tendy: What’s that?
Laser Tag Doug: Play laser tag with Laser Tag Doug when this is all over.
Mac: That’s a Quid Pro Quo I’m happy to get behind!
Tendy: I’m in. Let’s go find us a Doug.
[Transition]
Laser Tag Doug: When you get inside, you’re gonna need these.
Mac: What in the heck are they?
Laser Tag Doug: Night vision goggles. Got ‘em off Bass Pro Shop Doug. Here’s what Doug recommends. Go in, move slow, stay quiet. Surprise him. If he knows you’re inside looking for him, he’s likely to try slipping out the back exit.
Mac: Got it.
[Sound of Tendy turning radio on]
Tendy: C.A.S.H. Greg, we’re at Photon Laser Tag and we have reason to believe Sphere Mover Doug may be inside. You should head over when you can.
Greg: 10-4. On our way there, Tend.
Tendy: Ready, Mac?
Mac: Ready.
Tendy: Let’s do this.
[Sound of Tendy turning radio on]
Mac: Tendy, these glasses are so cool. I wonder if they’ll let us keep a pair.
Tendy: Yeah, I could see that coming in handy back at home.
Mac: I like that.
Tendy: Like what?
Mac: That you call it home.
Tendy: Yeah, I didn’t even notice I said that. I guess we’ve never been gone long enough for me to think of it that way.
Mac: Home. It’s where the heart is.
Tendy: Do you see anything?
Mac: Nope. Not yet. [Singing softly] Welcome friends to the sphere of Doug, to the sphere of Doug, let me tell you what we’re all abo…
Tendy: Mac, quiet.
Mac: Sorry, I really like that song.
Tendy: No, I mean listen…
[Sound of Doug Singing Softly]
Sphere Mover Doug: Doug is all alone, Doug is all alone, Even when they’re all around, Doug is still alone, Hanging out at the Laser Tag place, sittin’ on my own…
Tendy: C’mon, let’s go.
Sphere Mover Doug: Doug: Why do I even try, when I’m so lonely…
Mac: Doug!
Sphere Mover Doug: [Screams]
Tendy: Mac!
Mac: Sorry. Laser Tag Doug said to surprise him.
Sphere Mover Doug:: Oh, laser tag Doug, huh? That little shit.
Tendy: Hey, he’s not a shit. He just wanted us to help you.
Sphere Mover Doug: Help me? Who are you? You sound familiar.
Mac: Mac and Tendy, from Desert Skies.
Sphere Mover Doug: Ohhh, I’m sorry about that guys. I feel real bad for trying to destroy you. Are you here to exact your revenge? You can point laser guns at my eyes.
Mac: Yes, we are to exact our revenge. Prepare to face judge…
Tendy: Mac!
Mac: I’m just kiddin’. We’re here to find out what in the heck is goin’ on with you, Doug! Your brethren are worried. They’re lookin’ everywhere.
Sphere Mover Doug: They’re not my brethren.
Tendy: Laser Tag Doug said something about that. You told Xochitlicue you’re tired of the other Dougs. Enough to start stealing travelers and building an army for her. Why do you hate the other Dougs so much?
Sphere Mover Doug: Doug never said he hates them. I’m just tired of seeing them. It makes me sad. The other Dougs, they’re not real.
Mac: What do you mean?
Sphere Mover Doug: Before the highway I had travelers to keep Doug company, at least some of the time. I was lonely, but I loved the work I did. Doug got to help so many people, delighting travelers with their favorite person and their favorite place. Then Doug’d send them on their way, a little more peaceful than they were before.
Then they built the first highway, travelers didn’t stop here anymore. They just drove right through. Doug got even lonelier than before. You see. I was all alone, there were no other Dougs.
I had to do somethin’. Somethin’ that would make that lonely feeling go away, so I did for myself what before, I’d done only for travelers.
Doug made his favorite person. I know it sounds a little narcissistic, but that person, they were me.
Mac: Well, good on you for lovin’ yourself. No shame there.
Sphere Mover Doug: Yeah, Doug didn’t have much of a choice. You spend that much time alone, you really only care about one person.
After I’d brought Doug to be, we enjoyed each other’s company for a while. But…it got a little depressing hanging out with myself all the time so I…I…
Tendy: Made more of yourself.
Sphere Mover Doug: That’s right. Doug begat Dougs a plenty. Soon, there were thousands. I gave them jobs to do and eventually the Sphere of Doug really lived up to its name. I loved it, for a while. Me and a bunch of my new friends and the best part, we had everything in common! But all that time, I couldn’t help but think about the fact that…that they’re not real. They’re just memories of Doug. We like all the same foods, all the same movies, all the same activities.
Whenever a traveler leaves the sphere…
Mac: Their favorite person will disappear…
Sphere Mover Doug: Just a whisp of something that doesn’t exist. It’s hard to explain, what it’s like to be surrounded by so many others, and still be all alone.
Mac: But you got travelers stoppin’ by again. That should help right?
Doug: Yeah, but now they got so many other Dougs to spend time with. They don’t need me like they used to.
It gets worse. The more time Doug spent with the other Dougs, the more I started to see things about them that I didn’t like. Little things, quirks, their voice, their taste in movies. Then I realized that maybe I didn’t like myself as much as I thought.
So when Xochitlicue told me about stealin’ travelers, I didn’t hesitate. I thought maybe if I stole them, they might wanna be my friends. But I was wrong. People don’t like being stolen.
And now, I think maybe it’s time for me to go…away. Find some new friends on another sphere, if anyone’ll have me. You guys hirin’?
Tendy: Fully staffed at the moment, and even if we weren’t, I don’t think you should leave.
Sphere MoverDoug: What’s the point?
Tendy: You have a job to do here. And a purpose.
Sphere Mover Doug: Doug can’t stand the sight of Dougs anymore. Does the Attendant understand?! I’m tired of it. I can’t do it.
Mac: Hey! I just realized something.
Doug: What?
Mac: Black lights are really cool. I want some for my basement. But also, Doug, you said that people’s favorite people disappear when they leave the Sphere.
Sphere Movern Doug: So?
Mac: Then why did they stay when you left and came to Desert Skies? When you came back they were still here right?
Sphere Mover Doug: Yeah, Doug thought about that. Admittedly, it doesn’t make much sense. But it doesn’t change the fact that we’re all the same.
Laser Tag Doug: No we’re not.
Sphere Mover Doug: Who in the Doug is that? I can’t see you in the dark.
Laser Tag Doug: It’s me, Laser Tag Doug.
Sphere Mover Doug: Laser Tag Doug, what are you talking about? We’re all the same.
Laser Tag Doug: You hate laser tag.
Sphere Mover Doug: Yeah. It’s too dark.
Laser Tag Doug: I love laser tag. It’s the greatest game ever invented.
Sphere Mover Doug: I disagree.
Laser Tag Doug: That’s the point. You say you’re tired of us because we’re just you, but if that’s the case, why do I love the ultimate best game of all time which incorporates elements of dexterity, role playing and aerobic exercise in a fun and safe laser environment, and you despise it?
Sphere Mover Doug: Okay, that is different, but well that’s just one example…
Sharper Image Doug: Is it though?
Doug: Who’s there? Who’s that?
Sharper Image Doug: It’s me. Sharper Image Doug.
Sphere Mover Doug: Sharper Image Doug! What do you mean, ‘is it though?’
Sharper Image Doug: Honeysuckle Rose
Sphere Mover Doug: Yes, the perfect movie, continue
Sharper Image Doug: I do not like it.
Sphere Mover Doug: What????
Random Dougs:
And I hate watermelon
And I don’t like rainy days by the fire
And I hate takin’ walks by the beach.
And I can’t stand buying pizza by the slice I want the whole pie
Sphere Mover Doug: What in the sphere is going on here? Dougs, you’re all…
[Sound of lights being turned on and footsteps approaching]
K.B. Toys Store Doug Approaches: …Different.
Sphere Mover Doug: But…how is that possible K.B Toy Store Doug?
Tendy: I think I know. I think I probably understand better than anyone.
Sphere Mover Doug: What does the Attendant mean?
Tendy: I know what it’s like to try to make someone turn into a someone who’s just like you. Someone who shares all your likes and dislikes, who values exactly what you value the same way you value it. You want the perfect friend. But that’s not a friend at all.
The travelers who come through here, you give them a moment with their favorite person and for that moment they’re so overwhelmed with joy that they forget that the people they loved on the physical plane were just people. That they were good, but they weren’t perfect.
Travelers stay for a little while and they enjoy their visit and then they continue on their journey.
But you, you were with your Dougs for so long, that you started noticing things about them that you didn’t like, you realized that they weren’t perfect, even though you had everything in common.
Doug, you told us you don’t hate the other Dougs.
Doug: I don’t hate the other Dougs. I love the other Dougs. I just got tired of being around the same people all the time.
Mac: But listen to ‘em. Somethin’s changed. They’re not the same people. I think what Tendy’s saying is you loved ‘em even when you didn’t always like ‘em.
Tendy: And that’s when they stopped being more than just your ideal best friend. Because you loved them for exactly who they are, and that freed them to be themselves. That made them real. At least, that’s what I think happened.
Doug: You mean, all the other Dougs… They’re not just me.
K.B. Toy Stores: You know what? I don’t want to be called K.B. Toy Stores Doug anymore. In fact, that’s not my name.
Sphere Mover Doug: What are you saying, Doug?
K.B. Toy Stores: I’m sayin’, I’m not Doug. I haven’t been Doug for a while. I am…let me consider this for a moment..I am, from this time forward, Jeremy.
Sphere Mover Doug: Hey, I like that name!
Sharper Image Doug: As much I love Sharper Image, I too wish to no longer be called Sharper Image Doug. I’m…Corey.
KFC Doug: Yeah, and I’m not KFC Doug, I’m…Eric.
Movie Theater Doug: And I’m not Movie Theater Doug. I’m…Sparky.
Mac: Haha. That’s a dog’s na…
Tendy: Mac!
Sphere Mover Doug: I’m…not alone anymore.
Tendy: None of you are.
Sphere Mover Doug: Thank you, Attendants. Thank you so much! I’d like to make a decree everyone. Hereafter, this is no longer the Sphere of Doug. It is, the Sphere of friends.
Random Doug: Can I still be called Doug.
Sphere Mover Doug: Sure. It makes sense if a couple people are still called Doug. It’ll be our Spheres version of the name John.
[Sound of C.A.S.H. and Greg Approaching]
Sphere Mover Doug: C.A.S.H., it’s good to see you again. And remind me your name, you have a blue sister.
Greg: I’m Greg.
Sphere Mover Doug: Nice to see you again Greg. Hey Dougs…I mean, friends. Could you give the Attendants, their friend and I a moment?
Random Doug: Sure thing. We’ll get started on that buffet we promised!
Mac: Yes! I am so excited for that.
Sphere Mover Doug: I’m truly sorry for what I did before. Doug knew that what I was doing for Xochitlicue was wrong, but I did it anyway. It was selfish and I apologize.
Mac: We forgive you, Doug. We all do stupid things sometimes.
Tendy: Seriously, it’s in the past.
C.A.S.H: All is forgiven.
Greg: I didn’t even know you were there.
Sphere Mover Doug: Attendants, I’d like to give you something that I already gave your friend Greg. If you’ll let me.
Mac: What is it?
Greg: Oh, you’re going to love it. This is gonna blow your mind.
Sphere Mover Doug: Take a deep breath, Attendants. Focus your mind.
[Sound escalating]
Tendy: What’s happening?
Sphere Mover Doug: [Almost muttering] No, not there. Locked from the outside but I don’t have the key. Oh, wait, what’s this? Wow.
[Back to normal] Okay. Doug’s done. Attendants, I’m sorry. I was unsuccessful. I wanted to make you your favorite place, but, your memories are locked. I can’t see them.
Mac: That’s okay. Neither can we. Thanks for trying though.
Sphere Mover Doug: But I did find something that I want to show you. Follow me.
Tendy: Where to?
Sphere Mover Doug: To the suburbs.
[Transition Sound]
Tendy: This neighborhood is amazing. There has to be homes from all different times on the Physical Plane.
Sphere Mover Doug: Doug’s been building them from traveler’s memories for a very long time. A house or apartment or even a campsite, these were some important places for people. Here we are.
Mac: Why’d you bring us out here Doug if you couldn’t see into our memories?
Sphere Mover Doug: Doug couldn’t see your memories, but I saw one of yours.
C.A.S.H: One of mine?
Sphere Mover Doug: Just for a moment, it was fading in and out, and incomplete. That’s never happened before. But here it is…your favorite place.
[Magical Appearance Sound]
Mac: Is that a house?
Tendy: C.A.S.H. why is there a house in your memories?
C.A.S.H: I don’t know. Doug, I’m just a robot. This can’t be my favorite place. But, why does it feel familia…[Distorted Voice]
Tendy: C.A.S.H!
Mac: C.A.S.H. what’s goin’ on!?
C.A.S.H: I’m okay. I’m okay.
Tendy: Mac, look.
Mac: The house is gone. Why is the house gone, Doug?
Sphere Mover Doug: Doug has no idea.
Tendy: C’mon C.A.S.H. Let’s get you back to the station.
Sphere Mover Doug: Attendants, can I talk to you…alone
Tendy: Um…We need to…
Greg: I’ll take C.A.S.H. You stay here and do what you need to do.
Mac: Thanks, Greg.
Sphere Mover Doug: Attendants, you should know two things. Sometimes a person’s favorite place isn’t always just a happy memory…sometimes it’s got sadness mixed in. Her’s did. But it wasn’t just sadness. It was terrible grief.
Tendy: Terrible grief. Doug, maybe you didn’t notice but C.A.S.H. is a robot.
Mac: And we’re on the Astral Plane. There’s no death here, what could she be grievin’?
Doug: Attendants, I can’t pull memories from this realm of existence.
Tendy: Wait. What are you saying?
Doug: I’m saying that house. It’s not from here. It’s from the Physical Plane.