C.A.S.H: Incoming broadcast from the staff of Desert Skies
Mac: Desert Skies FMmmmmmmmmm
Tendy: Greetings travels traversing the Astral Plane. This is Tendy.
Mac: And this is Mac.
Tendy: We’re the Attendants of Desert Skies.
Mac: Tendy was the tall lanky one. I’m the bearded one that laughed at your childhood adversity.
Tendy: I’m pretty sure they can tell us apart by our voice.
Mac: What? We sound exactly the same.
Tendy: No we don’t.
Mac: Yes we do.
Tendy: C.A.S.H.
C.A.S.H: You don’t sound exactly the same. Mac, your voice is way higher.
Mac: The hell you say.
C.A.S.H: It was a joke.
Mac: Don’t joke like that.
Tendy: Sensitive, much? Anyways, here’s your safe travel tip for traversing the Astral Plane
Mac: Safe travel tips for travelers traversing through the Celestial Spheres. Have no fear. Tendy’s here.
Tendy: You changed the lyrics.
Mac: You like it?
Tendy: I don’t hate it.
Mac: Success!
Tendy: Recently, we returned from a trip to a message from a distressed traveler who had suffered an unfortunate incident. Here at the station, we have optional food preservation and preparation devices you can take with you on your trip.
This includes styrofoam ice chests and portable microwaves.
Mac: The perfect combination for keeping a burrito mostly frozen until such a time that you wish to heat it up.
Tendy: Exactly.
Mac: But things can go wrong.
Tendy: Things can go very wrong.
Mac: And it’s not my fault.
Tendy: It’s a little bit your fault. Anyways, Mac has been experimenting with the burritos. Defrosting them, mixing and matching different flavor combinations. Bangers and Mash with Mac and Cheese, Chicken a La King with Buttered Noodles. You get the idea. Some of them are not terrible.
Mac: Some of them ARE terrible. I can admit that.
Tendy: Here’s the problem, I mean aside from concerns about combining the essences of different travelers’ essences.
Mac: Worked for Lawrence and Debbie.
Tendy: Sure. The problem is after he’s done making these Frankenstein burritos, he wraps them in foil and refreezes them. Traveler you may have one of these experimental burritos in your car right now.
Mac: They’re the ones with the name written in crayon.
Tendy: They’re fine to eat…I think. But they are not okay to microwave while still in the foil. You will burn your car down. Don’t do that.
Mac: But if you do do it, and you’re anywhere near a lake or an ocean or a snowdrift, just drive into ‘em. It’ll put the fire out!
Tendy: No, don’t do that. Just don’t microwave your burrito while it’s still in the foil. To the traveler who called us, please stay close to the highway. We’ve instructed new travelers coming through the station to keep an eye out for you and to give you a ride to the next life.
Mac: Roadtrip! Two new pals in a Buick Skylark on the adventure of a death time.
Tendy: Could be a movie.
Mac: That’s what I was goin’ for.
Tendy: Alright, Mac. Take it away.
Mac: Traveler, welcome to a segment I like to call Rest Your Weary Soul. [Singing] Reeeest your weeeeary soooouuuuul.
Like Tendy mentioned earlier, we recently returned from a visit to the eighteenth sphere. The Sphere of Doug.
Tendy: It’s actually the Sphere of Friends now.
Mac: Spoilers.
Tendy: What? For who?
Mac: The map says Sphere of Doug and when they get there they’re gonna find out it’s now the Sphere of Friends. Spoilers.
Tendy: Sorry.
Mac: C.A.S.H., emotional and inspiring music please.
Mac: Now, I’m not gonna tell you what happens when you get to the eighteenth sphere, but what I will tell you, is that it’s gonna be awesome. I really liked it. The Doug’s are shorter than me, and it made me feel huge.
And that got me to thinkin’. I think about my height a lot. Like, a lot a lot. And sometimes people say funny things about it. And it makes me mad.
Betty: Like when I called you a baby?
Tendy: Jesus, Betty.
Mac: You gotta stop doin’ that. What if I was naked in here?
Betty: Why would you be naked in here?
Mac: That’s why I said what if, Betty. You’re still my friend. But you gotta go, I’m tryin’ to say somethin’ here.
Betty: Oh, sorry about that. I’ll go. You guys still comin’ over later for a little parcheesi.
Mac: As disappointed as I was to find out it has nothing to do with cheese, yeah, we’ll be there. Now let us finish up this broadcast sky demon.
Betty: Alright, I’m goin’.
Mac: As I was sayin’. I get made fun of for my height sometimes, and it often hurts my feelings. I don’t have any control over my height, ya know. And what does it matter? It doesn’t. I mean, it’d be nice to reach stuff on the highest shelves without needing a step ladder, or maybe to see over the people standing in front of me at a parade. Yeah, I know we don’t have parades but what if? What if we had parades?
Anyways, it got me thinkin’. Why does it bother me so much when people say that?
Well, it’s because they think I’m at a disadvantage. In what way, I mean, yeah grabbing stuff off the shelf and parades and all that, but, there’s lot of ADvantages that I think people don’t notice.
First off, I’m closer to the ground, so I’m closer to my desert friends. Not only am I less likely to step on a scorpion or kick a cactus, I also am just close enough to notice and say hey.
When a kid comes to the station, bless their little souls, I think I put ‘em at ease cause I’m not loomin’ over ‘em. Almost eye to eye. They warm up to me pretty quick and that always feels nice. Like I’m a big brother or something.
I don’t have to worry about helicopter blades slicin’ my head off. I can sneak around the store undetected and eat the snacks Tendy told me not to eat because we’re runnin’ low on inventory.
Tendy: I’m completely aware of your presence and I know what you’re doing.
Mac: I’m just saying. I kinda love being short. The only reason I think I’d want to give this up is just to make the jokes stop. But the jokes aint that bad. In fact, sometimes they’re even a little funny. Get it? A little funny.
You probably got somethin’ about you that’s different. Maybe you’re a little chunky like me, or you’re one of those folks that drink protein shakes all the day long but can’t build muscle to save your life. Maybe you’re far sighted or near sighted or you wish your eyes were a different color or you got curly hair but you want straight hair or you got straight hair but you want dog fur. I don’t know.
But maybe take a while to stop and think about the thing you don’t like about you. Pretend that thing, is a person. A person who feels bad about themselves. What would you say to cheer ‘em up? Tendy, give it a go.
Tendy: Oh, okay. I’d say, noodly arms, you’re good at reaching into the back of the soda cooler to reach where the coldest sodas are.
Mac: Hey hey! Yeah. I like that. I’m sure your noodly arms appreciate it. What would you say to your beady eyes?
Tendy: My eyes aren’t beady. Are they?
Mac: I’m just messin’ with ya. Alright, we got time for just a couple of voicemails so let’s do this.
Okay, first message:
“What’s the story behind all the burritos?”
Is that the whole question? Listen, you sound like a kid so I’m gonna go easy on you on account of you showing up here so early into life, but, do you want the story behind all forty burritos, because I don’t have time for that. Or do you want the story of why people become burritos when they try to go back to the Physical Plane? Because I don’t know that. Thanks for callin’. Drive safe.
Tendy: I hope they’re not driving.
Mac: Oh, yeah, I guess they wouldn’t be. Next message.
“Hey Matt, my name is Sarah. I wanted to let you know I really enjoyed listening to your messages your thoughtful sayings on desert skies FM. So thank you for sharing them with us. Bye-bye.”
Mac: Well, hi Sara! It’s been a while since you were at the station. I really am happy that you enjoy listenin’ to Desert Skies FM. I hope you’re having a great time traversing the Astral Plane. And P.S. you sang the jingle real pretty. Voice of a coyote.
Tendy: Maybe she could replace you.
Mac: Uh, no. Singin’ that is my job. Anyways. Next Message.
“Yeah Mac, it’s Clay. The car is fine. But I seem to have blown out a tire. I’m not really seeing a spare here and I don’t know what I mean the tools like everything else is here, but I’m not seeing a spare. So I don’t really know. Is that a dog pushing a tire? At Max I’m going to call you back.”
Mac: A dog to the rescue! I bet he’s drivin’ through the Sphere of dead pets who stay in little trailers on a giant trailer park sphere.
Tendy: I hate to say it, but that’s the only thing that makes sense.
Mac: Clay, I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d need your compact spare so I tried making a tire swing out of it but the mesquite tree branches aren’t quite big enough to hold all the me that there is. Good on that dog for coming to your aid.
Speaking of aid, If you find yourself traversin’ the Astral Plane and are in need of assistance, just visit a communication station and dial 947-MAC-HELP. That’s 947-623-4357.
Tendy: And that’s our show!
C.A.S.H: If you’d like to learn more about Desert Skies, just use one of the computer modules located in communication stations along the Astral Highway. From there, visit desertskiespodcast.com, where you can sign our guestbook, read some articles, or access transcripts.
The song you were listening to before we interrupted was called Always Happening by JPW. Here it is again. Safe travels.